the unpretty ones (body dysmorphic disorder)'s LiveJournal -- Entries


Nothing. [01 Dec 2007|01:16am]

I'm not really sure where to start so here goes:
Ok so today i went to register at the local doctors surgery and had to fill out all these forms (Do you smoke? No. Do you drink? Yes. How much a week? etc) but what i found strange was at the bottom of these forms was a questionaire about Eating Disorders. Heres how it went:

Do you ever make yourself sick after you eat? Yes.
Have you lost more than 1 stone in 3 months? No.
Do you worry about how much you weigh? Yes.
Would you say you feel that food controls your life? Yes.
Do you feel like you have no control over food? Yes.


Of course, i didnt say this on the form, i said no. They were banishing around that B word and i admit what i do could probably LOOK like Bulimia but it isnt. Theres no harm in b/p'ing every day or so is there? Doesnt make you have an ED. Besides, i fucking hate bulimia. I need to get some self control because i've eaten like a fucking pig these past weeks. I just shock myself sometimes, how fucking LAZY i am. I'm just grotesque, thats the best word to describe me i reckon.

–adjective 1. odd or unnatural in shape, appearance, or character; fantastically ugly or absurd; bizarre. 

And i'm really fucking stupid too, not in the intelligence sense of the word but in the common sense way, i mean, i go about my daily life sometimes FORGETTING how god awful i look, and when i look into a mirror i see myself and go, fucking hell. That is disgusting. How can i forget? I'm just a clumsy oaf, with this big heavy arms and legs stomping around everywhere, with the ripples of fat on my back for everyone to see and look at. Then theres my skin. It's never looked so fucking bad as it does right now, i just can't describe it. Some days i just dont wanna leave the house because its so bad. I just feel too much. I hate feeling like this, so heavy that i can't even get comfortable.
I've decided to try a liquid diet tomorrow, no solid foods!! its gonna be tricky, specially breakfast so i might have my all bran and then go from there. Hopefully ill get up early enough to be at asda for 9am, but you never know. Bloody hell. Well i need to sleep. Actually i'm thinking about wiping myself down with disinfectaant. i really need to take it in the shower with me next time, make things so much easier. If only i had a bath here and i'd lay in it. 
punch me

This community speaks to me. [27 Nov 2007|11:13pm]

I've been reading some posts and comments and it really hits home. Like one poster, I always like the features of girls that are the least like mine. I like to study the bodies and the faces of other girls, but it's nothing sexual. I remember at one point I went so far as to assume it was because I didn't believe I had any misconceptions or disorders about my body.

Now I'm willing to admit I have a problem. Although I've made incredible progress (some days, I even like the way I look!) I am FAR from normal and need a place to relate; a safe haven.

I just recently left a community about bdd because, well, although I shared some of the problems as the other posters, it just didn't feel real. People would complain and then post pictures (most of the girls were gorgeous, even the "unphotogenic" ones) and everyone would tell them they were beautiful. "I feel ugly, here's a pic"; "oh, you're beautiful" "OMG ur hott" "I think you're very pretty".

And I know I'm sounding stupid and harsh and I don't even know, but such things were only making me feel worse. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm just jealous. I wish I had the strength, the courage... the freakin' hot photo to post in a community and prove my mind wrong.

I need a place to deal, not a place to compare myself to other girls. I really hope I can find that here.
8 comments|punch me

What do you do for a living? [20 Oct 2007|04:00pm]

I'm sure this might have been brought up before but I'm looking for a job lately and can't seem to find ANYTHIN suited to me.. I'm considering working in a factory or something now though.

What do you do and how do you cope with it? :(

2 comments|punch me

[17 Oct 2007|08:51pm]

People on medication, how often do you relapse? I feel like I'm on the verge of breaking out into full-BDD mode. I really don't want this. So, my game plan:

1. Throw away every single thing in my room that focuses on beauty, no matter how much I like it.
2. Practice affirmations
3. Read a lot. Distract myself a lot. Hopefully, these feelings will pass.

That's about the extent of my plan. Maybe you guys can offer some tips?
punch me

Compulsive Skin Picking [12 Oct 2007|03:42am]

[ mood | sore ]

Below I have a link to a cause I created through Facebook. Many people with BDD and/or OCD, along with myself, suffer from compulsive skin picking. Not a lot of people are joining the cause and for the people who have joined, they do not recruit others to the cause. I have a goal of raising a stink about this and being heard so that we feel more free, not as ashamed.

Psychogenic/ Neurotic Excoriation:

- Psychogenic Excoriation (Compulsive Skin Picking)

We need to break the stigma and speak out for ourselves, to get the chance to communicate with people who understand us instead of wasting our time with people who will forever condemn us. Be well, take care, and know that there really really isn't an oncoming train from the light at the end of the tunnel.

For other sufferers there is a Livejournal group called csp_support, just to spread the word around. It would be so much appreciated if you joined, and absolutely phenomenal if you could recruit others to the cause. I want sufferers out there to know that they aren't alone.

punch me

[03 Jul 2007|11:08pm]
Hello. Found this group by accident. I don't know if I have this, but if I do, it's probably mild or something. I just...related to a lot of the posts in here so I'm just wondering about it now...

1.)I also am obsessed with looking at pictures of pretty's something I do way too often. I feel like a stalker, but justify myself by thinking it's perfectly normal to like to look at pretty things.

2.) I also take tons and tons of pictures of myself, keeping the good ones, deleting the ugly ones, deleting the ones I thought were good after a while thinking they weren't as good as I thought. I'm embarressed if a friend or family saw how many pictures I took of myself because I'm scared they'll think I'm obsessed with how I look and think I look so pretty when in reality I just don't.

3.)There are times when I feel good about myself, and times when I really do feel utterly disgusting. I can never lose the weight I want to lose because I have trouble sticking to things long enough, though I never would want to do things the unhealthy way like starving myself or anything...

4.)I spend enormous amounts of time researching on skin products, hairstyles, good, healthy ways to lose weight, body hair removal methods, etc...

5.) I avoid social events when I think I'll look terrible and people will notice and look at me with disgust.

6.)I avoid looking into mirrors in public bathrooms because I'm scared of what I'll see and then being overconciencous of my looks for the rest of the day

7.)I have eliminated the idea of ever being in a relationship with a person I actaully find attractive and liked. No one I'd ever like would ever like me when they're so many other pretty girls in their range they could choose from.

8.)I get intimidated around pretty girls all the time. But try to hide my nervousness in fear of looking extremely uncool.

9.)If I have a male friend who I think is good looking I avoid them when I see them (pretend like I didn't see them) because I'm too nervous in their presence because I feel like I'm too ugly to hang out with them.

10.)I have social anxiety disorder...joined a group recently to overcome it in hopes that I'll no longer be shy and be more confident and outgoing...but I realize now, if I really do have this BDD can I ever be that happy, outgoing person? I'm not the type that's depressed ALL the time...I'm generally in an okay mood...but a lot of my mood depends on how I look and feel, so...Idk. When I attended the first meeting for social anxiety disorder the first thing I noticed about the other members was how pretty and normal they looked. I thought, " THEY have social anxiety? I feel so abnormal compared to them" So now I'm wondering if this social anxiety group will help me at all when I'm just so focused on my damn looks all the time... But I don't want to be this way. I mean, is anyone here actually finding success in their problem? I try to be optimistic as much as possible and like to think there is a solution to every problem and research as much as I can to find one. But, I'm also a realist, and know that these things I notice about myself are not made up, they're real, they're there...other girls are just too lucky and I got all the bad genes in the family or something.

some more, but I'll stop at that.

ON the other I said before, I look at the most healthy methods for self-appearance improvement such as losing weight and I would never think of plastic surgery...the only surgery I'd consider would be laser hair removal...does anyone else here think this way?
I'm not suicidal, never really have been...I mean, there are times when I get depressed, always have been, but the possibility that I have this disorder really disturbs me. I don't want to have this, don't want to live with it. Just like everyone else here I'm's just, I'd like to rule out that I actually don't have it, or just claim that I don't and then it'll go away or something. I don't like the idea that it'll never go away unless I get counseling or take some damn pills so...idk. I'd just like to be normal like my friends are.
anyway, sorry for the long post...I just couldn't stop typing....>
4 comments|punch me

[23 Jun 2007|04:39pm]

picture i just found on a friend's myspace.Collapse )

i don't understand how my nose can be so dinosaur-like sometimes, but look normal other times.
5 comments|punch me

i've chased away my friends. [24 Apr 2007|08:50pm]

Hey guys, does BDD make you feel really isolated? I get really nervous around people (I think I'm too ugly to be seen with them), and sometimes if I think someone can be my friend I become REALLY clingy and annoying. I don't know how to stop this...any advice?
7 comments|punch me

new. and I have bdd. [19 Apr 2007|07:53pm]

hi, I just joined this community. I've always felt really insecure about myself, but I found out about this disorder a few years back and I think I might have it. I obsessively take pictures of myself, hoping to find at least one good one (and I never do) I hate ALL the pictures of myself i've taken, even though I have friends I feel too ugly and unworthy of them so I avoid going out in public unless I have to, I get s-u-p-e-r jealous of girls who are beautiful, and I'm always focusing on my nose.

...I'm thinking about getting plastic surgery. Do you think it's a good idea? I think if I just fix ONE part of myself I'll be perfectly happy with the way I am. I feel like I just have one BIG flaw but I am ok with everything about myself.

Also, have you guys ever been insanely jealous of pretty girls? I notice they always get more attention and people like them more. Even shy girls who are pretty get hit on all the time. I've always been kind of quiet and shy and everyone just ignores me. I end up feeling dumb.

Anyway, what IS beauty to you? Being skinny? Blonde? I think all of the girls who are "pretty" in my opinion always have the features I don't have. It's weird but it's true.
19 comments|punch me

Fitness Magazine April 2007 Issue [26 Mar 2007|12:21pm]


Just thought some of you would like to know.
In the April Issue of Fitness Magazine there is a 5 page article on BDD starting on page 89.

The issue is on news stands now!! 

I havnt had a chance to read the article yet.
But I have glanced through it, and its looks promising.

punch me

[25 Mar 2007|04:53am]

Hey, new here!
I just recently began this new lj to use specifically for my dysmorphophobia and wanted some new friends, so feel free to add me. :) x.

Has anyone had a stab at drawing a self-portrait? I done this recently and it made me feel really depressed, so I feel kinda reluctant to show it here, but just wondered if anyone else has done this? How did it turn out? (feel free to show). I think this really gives some insight as to how we see ourselves rather than actual photograph self-portraits.
2 comments|punch me

New com for those in the toronto/gta area [05 Mar 2007|10:51am]

If this is not allowed please erase or let me know

Since the bdd_toronto has been dead for over a year now I made my own.

I just created it, so I shall be working on the layout and community info and all that.

It can be found here toronto_bdd
For now the community is moderated so we dont get trolls comming in and making it an unhealthy place to be.

Its not only for those of us who have BDD but also eating disorders.

Us Toronto and GTA ppl need support too.

If you feel this is a comm for you please join and tell your friends who you think might be intrested to join.

I really want this comm to get off the ground so that we can all get some local support.
punch me

[01 Jan 2002|12:16am]

[ mood | stressed ]

i think i used to be normal.

in high school, i was kind of awesome. i had a lot of friends, and my self esteem was pretty high. i thought i was a little chubby, but i never thought i was UGLY. now, everytime i look in the mirror i want to kill myself.

i'm insane. i've been anorexic for about three years, but this past year it got so bad that i almost died. my skin and eyes turned yellow, all of my bones were protruding, and my hair started to fall out. i also got bitten by a spider and my body was too weak to heal itself, and the bite turned into an infected ulcer. i got put on a HUGE dose of antibiotics that healed the infection, but that also made me very weak because i [still] refused to eat while taking them.
that's when i almost died. i would go to sleep every night and feel my weak heart trying to beat, and my whole body would tremble. partially because it was dying, and partially because i was terrified. finally, my boyfriend and friends forced me to start eating.

i'm really grateful that they cared enough to save my life, but i am now disgusted with myself and my appearance. [how effing sick is that??] i wish i could stop eating again, but right now my health is pretty bad. and i'm going to doctor appointments every couple of weeks, and if they see that i start dropping weight, they'll throw me in the psych ward.

this is seriously ruining my life. i feel like a disgusting fat blob. i gained 20 lbs since my "near death experience" in october. my boyfriend says i look healthy and great. he said i looked gross when i was emaciated. i cry everytime i get dressed. i went from a size 0 to a size 4/5. and i feel bad, because i know that isn't "fat" to normal people but to me it is disgusting.

i can barely leave the house. what should i do????? what helps you all to have the courage to go about daily life, even when you feel like the ugliest person on the planet???

3 comments|punch me

[04 Dec 2006|12:43pm]

So, I've decided to form a plan of attack against BDD. Ugh, admitting that I have a problem, makes me feel so weak. Oh well, I'm going to solve it by myself. That's what people do.

1. Practice affirmations
2. Desensitize self by going out in public for long periods of time.

Fuck, I don't even know what to do. My obsession causes me to protect myself, and I'm worried about what will happen if I don't take those measures. I'm worried that if I don't run away from people, they'll say something nasty to me. Really stupid, but I am human. Even though I don't show sadness, I am capable of feeling it. Awwww, I'm fragile. Such a little bittums!

Baby fucking steps.

1. Never say anything negative about physical appearance.
2. Smile at people who stare at you.
3. Don't avoid eye contact.
4. If feelings of anxiety start to rise, focus attention on person. What are they wearing? What do you think their personality is like? What games do they like?
5. Don't hide face while in car. Don't look away when boys look at you.
6. If someone's mean to you, it has nothing to do with your appearance. You're not Quasimodo.
7. Start up a hobby that doesn't involve looks.
8. Exercise more to release more seratonin.
9. Stop being so inwardly-focused. Dedicate more time to others.
10. Don't spend so much time in front of the mirror.

Number 5 is making me anxious right now. The thought of not shielding myself almost puts me on the brink of tears. I hate being looked at. It doesn't matter though. It's important that I work on my problem.
2 comments|punch me

[25 Nov 2006|05:02pm]

gah I can't stand my face I just got a nose job. I keep on staring at my face and thinking that I want an eyelid tuck and a brow lift. Then I mentally record that I want implants, collagen in my upper lip, teeth straightening, teeth whitening, botox, and a chemical peel. I thought that it'd be enough to cure my social anxiety but now I'm not so sure. I really hope that it is. I just put on mascara. I think that I look cute right now but that will change any second. I really hope that I'll get over my agoraphobia. The problem with me is that I want to look perfect without makeup on. Even the fact that I have to put on mascara angers me. I realize that pretty much all women need make-up. Still.
punch me

[25 Nov 2006|02:43am]

I can't take it. I look in the mirror at one moment, and I think "Wow, you're absolutely gorgeous." Two seconds later, my entire perception of myself changes and I feel suicidal over my perceived uglyness. Also, I really, really, really feel insecure when a girl that I think is ugly or average gets told that she's pretty. I just think..oh God, what if I'm that girl, and everyone's lying to me? Stupid mirror. Stupid society. Yes, I'm one of those girls who never leaves her house, because of BDD.
3 comments|punch me

picture. [23 Nov 2006|03:32am]

One picture that actually turned out cool.
Read more...Collapse )
3 comments|punch me

[10 Nov 2006|07:37pm]
Hi, I'm new here. I don't want to be dramatic about it, but basically I hate myself. I hate what I look like, I'm so fat, and I hate everything I do and say. I feel like I'm never going to be happy, and no one will ever be able to love me because of how I look and how embarassing I am. I wish I could just not eat, but I'll go for three or four days without eating, then binge for the next week. I've tried so many diets and I never lose any weight. I know its all my fault too, because I just can't do anything right. I don't have the commitment or the capacity to make myself better. I'm so ugly, I try all kinds of make up and different ways of dressing and doing my hair, but I'm always just ugly and I wish I had enough money to get plastic surgery. Nothing about my body is pretty. I'm always changing between different looks, and in the process look terrible all the time. I wish I could die, but even then I'm too selfish and childish to actually kill myself. I always look toward the future, thinking I'll do what I need to get better then, but I've yet to do a damn thing.
1 comment|punch me

[26 Oct 2006|02:37am]

Do you try to dress and be sexy or do you think that there's no point?
5 comments|punch me

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