the unpretty ones (body dysmorphic disorder)'s LiveJournal -- Entries


"Scars of Shame" Documentary- Spread the Word! [02 Feb 2011|09:11pm]

[ mood | excited ]

After working on the Dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking) documentary for over a year and a half, the trailer is out! Please share this in other online communities you are involved in, and to anyone. I want this video to go viral for the people who need to see it. Thank you!

My facebook page is:

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Looking for People with BDD [10 Sep 2010|02:39pm]
Hi everyone!

Emmy award winning company Pie Town Productions is currently in the final stages of casting for a documentary about individuals diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. We are committed to bringing more awareness and understanding to this often misunderstood disorder.

We’re looking to interview BDD sufferers willing to share their story with us for this taping.

Financial compensation is available to those who participate in our project.

If you would like more information about our company, feel free to visit our website at

punch me

The FIRST Television Interview about Dermatillomania [05 Jan 2010|11:54pm]

The first TV interview about Dermatillomania can now be seen on YouTube:

Angela Hartlin's memoir, FOREVER MARKED: A Dermatillomania Diary has finally been released! Please join her Facebook Fan page to spread word about this skin picking disorder along with her experiences with it.


People with this disorder have traits of Body Dysmorphic Disorder and usually suffer from depression. It is an Impulse Control Disorder that is fueled by high levels of anxiety. The correct DSM diagnosis for Dermatillomania is "Trichotillomania". The first few pages can be previewed at the site, which includes a better definition of Dermatillomania.

Please e-mail if you want to purchase from Angela directly; she offers a lower shipping price than does. Include the country that you live in and she can send you a quote. She ships the day she gets a payment (or the day after), then sends an e-mail to confirm that it was sent.

Thank you. <3

punch me

Hey [04 May 2009|12:53am]

[ mood | aggravated ]

I'm copying this post from the other bdd group... hope no one minds :(

Hi guys,

I'm new here... been suffering from BDD since I was about 17 or 18... It came on slowly but steadily I guess now it is unbearable (I'm 23 now).
I can honestly say that I think about my looks and how disgusting I am, how I can improve my looks etc 90% of the day. I feel like I can't get a clear picture of what I look like... I stare at myself in the mirror for ages trying to see myself but its all kind of a disgusting blur... I Have to constantly analyse photos of myself trying to figure out what I look like and what I need to work on and fix...

my features change constantly... my hair changes colour daily, my jaw gets wider, my nose changes shape, my face shape changes... I just can't seem to get a realistic picture of what I actually look like.. sometimes I feel so ugly I can't physically leave the house, a few times I have been out at uni or somewhere and have seen my rflection in a mirror and just broken down in tears and had to come home.

I have been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years and have never met any of my bfs friends because I am sooo terified they will think I am ugly and make a comment to my bf about how he could do better or something.

The only thing that really makes me feel better is planning what I can do to fix all my flaws... I have a  "to do list " of plastic surgery that I need and the only rhing stopping me is lack of money.

sorry for the long post just needed to vent  
punch me

[03 May 2009|02:36am]

[ mood | bollocks ]

(Copied and pasted from my journal, this is my first post here, let me know if I've done anything wrong. Just need to vent 'cause 2.37am isn't the best time to be scritching in bed.)

Sorry, advanced warning, this is all going to sound really conceited. I've tried to count my blessings and I know I could be much worse off, but obviously I'm mentally fucked so can't get past that.

FFFFUUUUUUU I can't sleep I feel so shit.
I thought this would help but I've been dickish tonight and looked at pics of my bf's ex on facebook, who is the most perfect fucking specimen on the planet (although apparently a total bitch. WTF life is so unfair).

Anyway I'm fucking fed up, thinking of all the things I can't do. I mean I LITERALLY can't. And never will be able to unless I get the money for ~amazing surgery or a miracle happens. There's no way I can ever be happy with what I've got because I KNOW it's less than perfect. And I know that 95% of the rest of the earth are not ~perfect but still fucking hell, I don't want to be like everyone else. Argh. I sound so so awful.
- I can't wear shorts in the summer, even when it's sweltering. It's full length jeans or tights. I can't wear 3/4 lengths because a. they make me look short and fat and b. they're ugly, end of.
- I can't go on the beach, I can't go in the sea, I can't wear a bikini. I think this is the reason I never managed to swim.
- I can't go camping. Reading is going to be hell if I don't get better.
- I have to get up at least an hour and 30 mins before leaving the house. Even in year 11 I was getting up at 6 to straighten my hair. I've actually RUINED it over the years, when I was at school I used to lag it with hairspray and then straighten over that, so I'd look like a crow landed on my head. When it was blonde I'd bleach it practically nightly because I still wasn't happy.
- I can't even wear my hair up ffs. I'm constantly playing with my hair, tugging at my fringe trying to cover my forehead. I must look like a right misfit to everyone else.
- I can't show my back or shoulders. WHY? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. There's nothing 'wrong' with them. They're just wide.. and.. exposed?! Wat.
- I can't have photos taken with my friends, because I look consistently shit in every one. I'm too busy worrying about the angle my face is at, whether my nose looks big. I can't SMILE cause I hate my teeth so much and my eyes disappear.
- My accessories have to match. I can't mix metals. No coloured eyeshadow. No black with black. I can't wear trainers. No sandals either. I can't wear strapless tops. No bright colours other than pink or purple. Nothing backless obv. Nothing with shoulder detail. No skirts below the knee. Skirts above the knee only with 100+ denier opaques. I should start my own misogynist religion.
- I'm agoraphobic, I spaz out walking through my city center. I can't stand to be looked at incase people notice my flaws, or they go, WOAH look at that girl's trashy extensions, the amount of makeup she wears. And I can't stand NOT being looked at because then I feel even shitter, like I'm not worth even a glance, all my efforts are for nothing. I've been called a butterface in public before.
- Whenever people don't like me, or show indifference, I blame it on how I look. I can't talk to people, I'm too anxious of what they think of me. Every break up is because I'm not good enough looks wise (don't worry I don't tell my boyfriends any of this). I like my personality, I'm funny, smart, interested in a million different things, decent taste, just my bodies holding me back.

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUCK THIS IS KILLING ME. I thought I was getting better. It took me an hour to get dressed today because I felt like shit in every item of clothing I tried. I'm not fat, I'm below average, and still I manage to look like absolute toss. I'm an 8 in jeans and yet I feel like a 22. It's not the media, I couldn't give a shit about ads, models and celebs with their coke habits and wheatgrass shots, I compare myself to real girls walking past with arses smelling of roses.

And now I'm having a fit on the phone, which is going to do wonders for my love life.
Also having dangerous thoughts for the first time in ages. Just realising the permanence of how I look, how I doubt I'll never be able to afford a nose job, boob job, laser surgery.. my hair won't grow of it's own accord. Not in a nice way anyway. This is it and I can't keep dealing with myself looking like this. I think if I tell my bf about my BDD it'll scare him off.

Sorry again, all really embarrassing. Need to get myself a burqa and stop giving a shit. Live in a mirrorless land and be ~free~. Haha.

5 comments|punch me

"Forever Marked" - A Memoir of a Skin Picker [30 Apr 2009|09:06pm]

"Dermatillomania (also known as compulsive skin picking or CSP) is an impulse control disorder and form of self-injury characterized by the repeated urge to pick at one's own skin, often to the extent that damage is caused. Dermatillomania may be related to body dysmorphic disorder (BDD)." -Wikipedia:

Sufferers of dermatillomania find skin picking to be stress relieving or gratifying, though it can still be as physically painful as it would be for a non-skin picker.

I have written a memoir about my struggle with compulsive skin picking. It includes a day-to-day struggle with this disorder along with the depression I faced as I documented it regularly for a year and a half. I decided to publish this because I know I'm not the only one and it would have helped me to have read about someone else's struggle with this disorder. I want to help others who struggle and let them know that they aren't alone. I want you to know that you aren't alone and I want you to know that you aren't the only one suffering the shame, guilt, loss of control, and hopelessness from Dermatillomania.

September is when it will be out for purchase. If you are interested in possibly buying a copy, please e-mail me at so I can put you on a mailing list. I will send out updates about the progress of the publishing throughout the summer. It's about time that someone speak out and hopefully in time, this disorder will be as openly discussed as other life- challenging disorders.

I expect a deficit from printing costs, but my goal is to help someone. To make sure that even one person reads this book and can say, "Finally, someone else gets it all". Helping someone to avoid the loneliness I felt through all of the years that I thought I was the only one is worth a financial plunge.

Take care, and I hope you find strength to get through this any way you can.

Angela Hartlin
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[20 Oct 2008|08:12pm]

F.mCollapse )
3 comments|punch me

[06 Oct 2008|01:22am]

sometimes, i feel like if i was prettier, everything would fall into place..
my friends would want to go out with me more, instead of feeling embarassed to.
the man i've been so in love with will fall in love with me...
my job will run so much more smoothly, for the anxiety over my looks will be lifted and i can focus more on my duties..
i will be able to get more sleep, for i won't have to wake up every morning obsessivley looking over my flaws in the mirror.
i will just be... happy.
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obsessive and insecure [12 Jul 2008|01:26pm]

warning: you are about to read a extremely shallow ramble. i am an insecure, looks-obsessed 24-year-old girl.

so i've been friends with this guy, J., for about 6 months and we started "dating" about two months ago. last month, he made a comment that i cannot get out of my mind. it wasn't even about me! we were playing blackjack at las vegas and started chatting to a guy sitting next to us. he was really nice and friendly. later, his girlfriend showed up, and she was very pretty. she was thin and had a nice body. her face was ok. when the couple got up, J. asked "do you think that girl is attractive?' i said "yeah, she's definately attractive, but she's not super hot. i've seen hotter. do you think she's attractive?" he said "psh yeah..." in a "duh, obviously" manner.

being insecure as i am of course i got jealous... even though i don't think that girl is the hottest girl i've seen. she was just pretty and has a nice body. i took note of her being pretty because her boyfriend wasn't very attractive. she's way hotter than me though, that's for sure.

later, when we got out to car, J. mentioned again, " damn that guys girlfriend is really attractive." i'm just like "uh ok..." and i cotinued to say that she's "definately attractive" but not as hot as a lot of other girls i know, which is truly how i feel. i wasn't saying that out of jealousy. either way, it bothered me that J. took note of how attractive that girl was and kept bringing it up. i don't know if that's insensitive. he doesn't know how insecure i am, and i seem very open to talk about things like other girls' attractiveness because i project a false ,confident image. later on that night, i asked him, "so is that girl like your dream girl, cause you keep bringing up how attractive she is." and he said "noooo, come on."

this happened a freaking month ago and i still can't get over it. i'm still feeling resentful towards J. about that incident. i feel like he doesn't really like me and i'm not attractive enough for him. J. is decent looking, and maybe he can do better than me looks-wise, but i feel like he's not 100% satisfied with the way i look. on top of that, i'm asian, and he's told me that he'd never been attractive to asian girls in the past. i'm the first one asian girl he has dated and have "found attractive." it makes me uncomfortable to date someone if i'm not his 'ideal" girl. i want to be with a guy who would pick me out of a crowd, and not just date me because he just so happened to have met me.

i don't know what the hell is wrong with me, and i don't think i can talk to J about it. he's kind of immature and wouldn't understand. i want to start making comments to him about other guys now, out of resentment. and i want to get plastic surgery so i can be hotter so that i'd get more attention from guys. i have this feeling of inadequacy that i can't ever seem to get rid of.

if you read this, thank you for listening to me ramble. i just needed to get this off my chest.
1 comment|punch me

[20 Jun 2008|12:17am]

 i know its messed up, but i dont want help, because i will be forced to bring myself up to a healthier weight.. i am deathly afraid of that.  even thinking about it makes me feel awful.  
i  feel guilty whenever i eat and like a failure for not being able to stop eating altogether.  
i keep reading that part of getting help for BDD includes cognitive behavior therapy, one exercise being you are not allowed to look in any mirrors for a certan amount of time. i would never be able to do that. i'd breakdown within two hours.
punch me

[12 Jun 2008|10:29pm]

everyone likes compliments. but when someone tells me i'm attractive, i shut down. i'm suspicious of their motives. i feel like they only want to use me or are playing a joke on me. i hate everything.
punch me

[12 Jun 2008|12:23am]

Muppet...muppet..that's all I see. I get lots of compliments, but I feel..deformed. I look in the mirror, and see lines, a man-jaw, baggy eyelids, too thin eyebrows..marshmallow face. That's all I see. I could never be pretty. I am incapable of being pretty. I honestly feel that the compliments are just people who have a really fucked up sense of beauty. I just fucking want to feel pretty for one day. That's all I want. I want to feel like I'm good enough. I never feel that way though. At least I'm not trying to carve off my face. I feel like I'm wearing a really ugly mask, and people around me would never understand that. They don't fucking understand that all of the compliments and attention in the world means nothing when you feel like a monster.
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Hating Myself [05 Jun 2008|11:56am]
[ mood | sad ]

Wow.. reading the post on here made me cry because, so many other people are suffering like I am. I have OCD and probably a whole other mess of mental problems. I am obsessed with how I look, I never feel pretty I'm so self conscious. I can stand in front of a mirror for hours changing my hair and makeup over and over again never feeling that I look good enough. I have actually washed my face raw putting on makeup and taking it off so many times. I hate m body it seems like I will never be skinny I wight 163 and I'm 5'5 I hate my arms and I won't wear anything that shows them off pretty much shorter then a t-t-shirt sleeve then it's not for me! I'm sad a lot.... I wish I didn't feel like this. I actually managed to land the guy of my dreams but, I'm going to end up destroying our relationship because, I just can't except the fact that he loves me. I know he wishes I was thinner but, so do I. I look at every girlfriend he had before and I don't even begin to compare I mean I don't even wear shorts because my legs are so chunky and full of cellulite. I don't go swimming for fear of embarrassment. It's hard always trying to find excuse to get out of swimming or doing things were I would have to show off my body. 
I also hate taking pictures of myself I will usually take hundreds of pics photo-shop them and delete the rest. till I think I have one pic that is Ok. I hate it when other people take pictures of me. I look at the photos and I look horrible! I don't look anything like what I thought I looked like.
I read about makeup all the time and new hair products always searching for something that I think will make me look better. I feel like I'm going crazy. I just want to feel like a normal person and feel good about myself. This is the first time I have ever wrote or told anyone about how I feel. I'm sorry I'm just rambling on right now but, this is a big step for me.
1 comment|punch me

Can't stop obsessing [21 May 2008|03:58pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

I'm a picker. When I get stressed out, I pick at my face. I see zits or enlarged pores that (so I'm told) aren't even there, then pick the shit out of them only to make things worst. I currently have a nasty mark on my chin due to this. It had been at least three months since I'd picked, a new true accomplishment for me, and now I fucked up. I put on cover-up but it's not hiding it enough for me not to keep taking bathroom breaks to check it.
My BDD has decreased significantly since high school and freshmen year of college(I'm twenty-three now). I don't hide myself from the world anymore, I don't breakdown crying because I'm having a bad self-image day. Still, I find myself obsessing over these stupid little things and can't seem to shake it. It's so aggravating. Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I stay away from the bathroom mirror? I have a boyfriend who loves me and tells me I'm beautiful on a daily basis, shouldn't that be enough to believe there is nothing wrong? Does it really matter if I think my arms and thighs are jiggly, cellulite covers the back of my legs, my forehead is crater ridden, I'm prematurely aging, and my nose is way to long and pointy? Does it really matter if I'm the only one who notices? Why the hell do I still feel the need to pick myself apart? My boyfriend, close friends, and mother continue to tell me "it's all in my head". I find it even more frustrating that no one sees this shit and I care so much about it. Grr. Sorry for the rant.

2 comments|punch me

body image issues [02 Apr 2008|07:37pm]


Hey everyone,

I’m doing an article for my uni final major project on people with negative self body image issues (e.g. eating disorders, BDD) and need some people to talk to about their experiences. I know it’s a very personal topic, but if anyone thinks they can help me out I will very much appreciate this.

5 comments|punch me

[12 Mar 2008|08:46pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

Hi. I'm new to posting here but have been reading for several months. I have BDD. My issue is my weight.
The war:
Once upon a time I weighed 260 pounds. I finally grew sick of looking at myself in a mirror and decided to do something about it. So I started limiting my food intake. 5 months later I had developed a full-fledged eating disorder and lost 80 pounds and 6 sizes (from a size 26 to a size 14). Every meal I skipped brought me closer to my goal weight of 130. The more meals I skipped the prouder I was. My crowning achievement was when I went 3 days and only ate half a brown-and-serve roll. It felt so good to do that. I was so proud of myself

I've suffered from BDD for quite a while. Since I was a teenager. I've always had low self esteem. I've never seen myself as being pretty. After I dropped the 80 pounds I still looked the same to myself. I sill look like a fat pig. Then I met my boyfriend.

The end of the war
My boyfriend was extremely concerned about my food intake. As a last resort he started refusing to eat unless I ate with him. Knowing that I wanted to loose weight he started me on a really great exercise program. I wasn't loosing weight, but my body was still adjusting because I was having to intake more food. I wasn't gaining weight either, so that was ok with me.
My boyfriend actually made me feel good about myself. He would tell me that I was beautiful, sexy and pretty. He would make comments about my butt and how great I looked in jeans that showed off my figure. (I was uncomfortable in them because they were tight fitted. It was the first pair of jeans I had in about 10 years that weren't big on me.) He loved me like I'd never been loved before. And after a while I started to feel better about myself. Sometimes I even thought I looked pretty.

Rekindling the war:
3 months ago I found out I was pregnant. I cried. It meant I had to eat and gain weight. It means I am going to get fat again. I was devastated. It's not that I didn't want the baby. I just don't want what it's doing to me. I've started gaining weight. 10 pounds so far. It makes me feel terrible. At one point I became so depressed I thought about suicide. Throughout all of this my boyfriend was great. Until recently.
He used to hug and kiss me every day when I came home. He used to hold me every night when I went to bed. He used to hug me for no reason at all other than the fact that I was standing near him. We used to have sex all the time. I used to feel so loved and wanted because he made me feel that way. Now I feel like I'm just an incubator. He is very much looking forward to the birth of our baby. He is very excited about it. But all the passion he had for me is gone. I can't say as I blame him either. I'm quickly becoming my worst nightmare relived. A fat, ugly girl that can't stop eating that will just get fatter and uglier over time. Barely any of my clothes fit anymore, and they are quickly becoming too small. I try to buy better fitting clothes but end up standing in the dressing room in tears because the sizes are bigger. My stomach (the most self conscience area of my body) and my breasts are getting bigger. I don't want to hurt my baby, but on the other hand, I don't want to eat and gain weight and it feels like my normally supportive boyfriend doesn't want me at all. All of it just makes me wish I could get hit by a bus.

Thanks for listening to my rant. Feel free to offer any suggestions.

2 comments|punch me

Blah. [24 Feb 2008|10:59pm]


I've not had a very good day today. I just feel like curling up into a ball and staying like that forever. Do ya reckon i could do it? No, me neither. I guess the two main reasons why my day was not so good was:

1. I binged on crisps and pizza, then got about half way through purging it up and had a nose bleed so i had to stop. I've never had a nosebleed through puking before so it kinda made me a little scared. It was only small and stopped bleeding after a couple of minutes but it did scare me. 

2. I cut. Yeh yeh yeh i know i know, it was stupid and silly but i wanted to. I just wanted to see it on my skin. It made me happy. I had to get rid of this dirty feeling so i cleaned myself with disinfectant. It kinda stung but it was a nice feeling. A kinda 'i'm so repulsive that i deserve this stinging'. 

So i'm trying to prepare myself for saturday night, TK will be out and perhaps something might happen. But probably not. She probably met someone else, someone actually good looking. My friend told me that my skin was looking a lot better but i think she was lying because it looks disgusting. still. these fucking tablets arent working. I can't wait to get some more, stronger ones. I shouldnt get my hopes up about tomorrow, i'm sure that she'll think im as grostesque as i know i am. And what if it DOES happen and we come to get intimate? The thought of anyone touching me makes me feel horrible. Perhaps these cuts are to stop anyone getting that close. 

I wish people would just leave me alone.

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[04 Feb 2008|02:45am]

I am new here. My mom almost died of an embolism close to two months ago. Since then I have gained close to two sizes around my midsection. I know it is my cortisol levels that are playing havoc with me. I haven't eaten anymore and I have been getting more of a work out at work. But still...none of my clothes fit me but two pairs of pants and I am having a really hard time with it! :S Truth is I am not dealing with it well...

punch me

[23 Dec 2007|01:48am]

 Hey everyone, I like reading all the posts here...I feel like I'm not alone.
I have a huge problem with the way I look (like everyone here).
I also have this...'stalkerish-obsession?' (i don't know how to name this)
It's not really stalking I guess...I just really like 'following' particularly attractive/interesting people on the internet.
They're mostly not even people I know or celebrities - 'normal' people I suppose, who just happen to have everything I wish I had (I mostly focus on their looks).
I enjoy looking at their myspace pages and going through all their comments/photobuckets (or whatever I can find) and seeing all their 'happy' moments with their friends in their daily lives..I don't mean any harm by doing this (I sort of worship them in a way).
But it just frustates me, because I know I will never be as seemingly perfect as they are..
I suppose a lot of people (who don't have bdd) enjoy looking at 'pretty images' or 'pretty people', but I just get obsessed about some people I have never met (and probably never will). It usually starts with me liking their physical appearances, but then I get 'fascinated' by them..they just seem to have everything perfect. I get jealous because they're so pretty and special. I secretly hope I randomly meet them, just to catch a glimpse of them. I guess I would even call them if somehow had their number. Or pass by their houses if I had the address.
Because I'm super-selfconscious I don't have any real friends (just people I say 'hi' to) and I never go out, because I feel so ugly.
I feel as if I can 'live' in the bodies of these people I like to 'stalk'. I know their names, age, friends, what city they live, what they like doing, etc. I've been wanting to go to the same concerts they go, but I'm afraid to go alone. I feel I have no right to live a 'normal' life, because of the way I look. So therefore, I should just be happy to see how other people live.
I've never talked about this to anyone, because it's pretty 'stupid' to think like this...but I can't help it.
Does anyone here have anything similair? 
3 comments|punch me

Isolation. [17 Dec 2007|10:59pm]
It's really comforting to know there are others that go through the exact same thing. So I guess I'll start by saying I'm Jonny and elaborating a bit on my depressing stories, haha. I hope I don't sound too whiny, I just want to get it all off my back. :)

2 comments|punch me

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