f u (karma_tragedy) wrote in feelunpretty,
f u
karma_tragedy
feelunpretty

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Isolation.

It's really comforting to know there are others that go through the exact same thing. So I guess I'll start by saying I'm Jonny and elaborating a bit on my depressing stories, haha. I hope I don't sound too whiny, I just want to get it all off my back. :)

For years I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me; I guess my thought process was just too clouded to realize the stem of most of my problems. I went from being agoraphobic to bipolar, until I finally found out what BDD was. I was pretty amazed - everything fits perfectly now...

All of this complicated social anxiety sent me into a wild downward spiral, years of depression and self-hatred, ostracizing myself from social situations starting at 3rd grade until now. All I wanted was to be attractive - being homosexual doesn't really help that much either. Although, the problems just seemed to escalate as I got older. Bad skin, weight issues, a receding hairline, a crooked nose, elephant ears, constantly plucking my eyebrows, I could go on forever. People often ask if I do drugs because of my lack of sleep and the clothes I've unwisely chosen to wear. I'm the "Senior gothic persona"/druggy. Both assumptions are entirely off, but that's how I'm labeled. I get so preoccupied with looking at myself that I never get anything done, so my grades have very much failed. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just imagining all of this. I've basically completely given up on finding a relationship. The chances are so infinitesimally small. I'm in the process of coming to meet this truth right now and it's just tearing me apart... All I can do now is admire people from afar and dream what it'd be like just to get a hug from someone I liked, just to know what <b>mutual attraction</b> really is. But I know it's impossible. I'll never even talk to them. This body is a hellish wasteland and a veritable prison. If I could only love someone and have that love returned, I think I could finally put my mind at ease...

And that's it. Hope I didn't scare anyone off. I just needed to vent to people that can actually empathize with me to an extent, just to feel like I belong somewhere I suppose. Thanks for listening. <3


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  • 2 comments
Apart from the yknow, stopping me have a life part, how BDD has affected my education is the second thing I hate most about it.
I have no qualifications whatsoever and it sucks >:(

And I'm with you on wanting to know what mutual attraction feels like.
Be prepared for not feeling it even if you meet someone though.
I went rather promiscuous trying to find it and even when I met people who fancied me back(even now I have great urge to put 'supposedly' in there..), I felt too bad within myself to even feel it.

btw - pointless fact - Jonny is one of my favourite names! ^.^ I think I started liking it after seeing The Outsiders and getting a huUUUuge crush on Johnny Cade :) haha.
I don't know, it's stupid. I always feel attracted to people who look completely opposite of me. And that whole "opposites attract" thing is generally false. I guess I just have really bizarre and mismatched tastes. So it's pretty damn annoying, haha. They never even -look- at me. :/ I can understand why. Now that I think about it, I'd probably be a total wreck if I found someone that I liked and liked me back. I'd be so nervous I'd run away. x_x

Awh yay! Jonny is a pretty nice name. :D I just hate being called... ugh... John. Ewh, haha. I feel like I'm a toilet. :x